I’m Not OK But Thanks For Asking

I’m not OK, but thanks for asking. No really. I know I have a well-deserved reputation for sarcasm, but that was not sarcasm. I can’t tell you how much it means that so many people care about me and have gone out of their way to check on me – reaching out across the country and around the world. That is pretty awesome. If love was enough then I would be well, but it isn’t. I honestly don’t know what will make things well again, but love always helps.

I used to believe in the power of time to heal, but lately it seems that more time just gives karma another shot at me.

I used to believe in the power of self-care to see me through difficult times deploying a combination of wallowing and indulgence to see me through the worst, but now every self-care tip I have attempted has only made things worse.

I used to believe in my resilience but this year has broken me. The truly sad thing is that this has not even been the worst year of my life. I’ve had far worse years, but so much bad luck has accumulated that I just can’t cope anymore. Perhaps it is the exponential bad luck, maybe the compression of a lot of bad luck in a short time span, or simply that I am tired and I am hopeless. That is my ongoing struggle. I am depleted and my usual sources of refueling are no longer working to combat the wear and tear of life.

It really is just life, but for me, right now, life is really really hard. I know many friends are struggling with far more serious challenges than I, but that doesn’t help me cope. Incessant wrangling with my employer combined with constantly deteriorating working conditions has worn me down. I shouldn’t have to fight to get paid for working so much this summer, but I do. I shouldn’t have to fight to receive equipment ordered with my personal professional development funds, but I do. I should be recognized for my contributions, but I am not. So much lost time fighting these battles and losing them takes longer and longer to get over. I love my work, but I wish I wasn’t trapped by circumstances in this position. Add a car accident that left my vehicle totaled to this already precarious financial circumstance so no family vacation and now an unexpected car payment – salt in the wound is the weeks of wrangling with insurance simply to get what is owed. I hate State Farm and cannot ever recommend them, FYI. Then in the midst of all this we had to put down our beloved Max. It was time, but his loss leaves a gaping hole in my life.  I can’t express how much this devastates me. The last straw was the death of our desktop (instigated by Clark Energy’s decision to replace our electric meter). A lost morning trying various methods of revival was followed by an afternoon discovering how much of my course preparation was locked into that brick. Right now I cannot summon the energy to cope with that problem and one more unexpected expense.

So now I’m heading into a semester worn down and emotionally destroyed – behind with my preparation and unable to take a break because there are so many demands on my time and attention. I am barely functional, but somehow I’ll muddle through because what choice do I have?

But that’s why I’m not OK. Thanks for asking.